The Highly Sensitive Person

副标题：How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You

关于尝试新事物

2. Digging Deeper

P66

The best way to avoid bad things would seem to be avoiding everything. And, of course, the more the world is avoided, the newer everything will seem. Imagine how frightening the world could have seemed to you.

我对很多事情的处理方法都是这样。为了避免一些只是可能出现的坏结果，我可能直接放弃去做某件事情。如果说这件事情本身并没什么价值，那可能无所谓。但是这只是少数情况。如果对所有的新事情都用回避来「解决」，当真正需要面对的时候就更难了。

P81 The Problem of Being In Too Much

If it (your body) wants to try new things but is afraid, you need to help it, not reinforce the fear. Otherwise, you are telling it that it really is all wrong about its desires, that it is not fit to survive out there.

As you reparent your body, the first thing to realize is that the more it avoids stimulation, the more arousing the remaining stimulation becomes. ... The moral is that, at least to some extent, the stresses will always be there, for we bring our sensitivity with us. What we need is a new way of living with the stressors.

逃避并不会减少 stress，而去做一件新事物也不会有更多的 stress，只是这种 stress 换了一种形式。可能因为这种 stress 是未知的，所以比较可怕。

Second, it is often the case that the more your body acts, the less difficult and arousing it becomes. This is called habituation. If it is a skill, you also become better at it.

The way to come to tolerate and then enjoy being involved in the world is by being in the world.

一件事只要多做，就能让身体适应这件事会产生的 stress，从而每次能做得更加得心应手。

Handle Overarousal in Social Situations

5. Social Relationships

P116 Five Ways to Handle Overarousal in Social Situations

Remember that overarousal is not necessarily fear

Never underestimate the power of simply acknowledging to yourself that you are overaroused, possibly by something having nothing to do with the people you are with. If you are judged for that, it is not the real you but the one temporarily flustered by overarousal.

有的时候需要意识到并承认自己是 overaroused 了，并不要直接归因于社交这件事。Overaroused 的自己并不是真实的自己，这时的自己可能展现不出正常时的能力。

Find other HSPs to talk to, one on one

In the average social situation there ought to be about 20 percent who are HSPs and another 30 percent who feel moderately sensitive. ... In a roomful of people, the odds are that there is at least one person with your trait or who is feeling social discomfort. Catch their eyes after you stumble, literally or metaphorically, and notice the look of deep sympathy. You have an instant friend.

寻找同类。

Use your arousal-reducing skills

Meanwhile, use all the points suggested in chapter 3 to reduce your arousal. Take breaks, Go for a walk. Breathe deeply. Move in some way. Consider your options. Maybe it's time to go. Maybe there's a better place to position yourself, by an open window, an aisle, or the door.

想办法减少刺激。

Develop a good "persona" and consciously use it

You know that much of social life is one "persona" meeting another, with neither person looking too far beneath the surface. By behaving in a predictable way, talking the way others do even when you don't feel like it, no one will hassle you or draw the wrong conclusion that you are arrogant, aloof, plotting, and so forth. ... That (drawing the wrong conclusion) may be the fault of the culture for not understanding HSPs, but until we change it, you may want to make your life a little easier by acting a little more like everyone else does.

如果社会或环境难以改变，我们还可以改变自己。通过表现得和「正常人」一样，我们可以避免一些他人的误解。因为在很多社交场合他人只会观察到表层的东西，而不会深入思考一个人的个性。

Explain your trait to others

On the other hand, sometimes the best tactic is to explain your overarousal. ... In a group, explaining your trait may lead to a more intimate conversation about everyone's social discomfort, make it possible for you to go off alone without feeling guilty, or free you to take a break without being left out when you return.

通过解释自己的特性，他人可以更好地了解自己，并能理解我们的一些「反常」的举动。

内向与外向

5. Social Relationships

P118

In all, 70 percent of HSPs tend to be socially "introverted." That does not mean you dislike people. It means you prefer to have a few close relationships rather than a large circle of friends and don't usually enjoy large parties or crowds.

Introverts are still social beings. In fact, their well-being is more affected by their social relationships than is the well-being of extroverts. Introverts just to for quality, not quantity.

内向者会更喜欢 close relationship，而不是很多浅交的朋友。

P119 Appreciating the Introverted Style

(Avril Thorne's Experiment)

The highly introverted women were serious and focused. They talked more about problems and were more cautious. They tended to listen, to interview, to give advice; they seemed to be concentrating on the other in a deep way.

In contrast, the highly extroverted women did more "pleasure" talk, sought ore agreement, looked for similarities in background and experience, and paid more compliments. They were upbeat and expansive and liked being paired with either type, as if their main pleasure were in the talking.

The picture we gain from Throne is that each type contributes something to this world that is equally important.

这个世界是多样的，每种人都是不可或缺的。

P120

Ignore the barbs about "lightening up." Enjoy the levity of others and allow yourself your own specialty. If you are not good at chitchat, be proud of your silence. Equally important, when your mood changes and your extroverted self appears, let it be as clumsy or silly as it needs to be. We are all awkward doing our nonspecialty. You possess one piece of the "good." It would only be arrogance to think any of us should have it all.

P121

Introverts prefer close relationships for many reasons. Intimates can understand and support each other best. ... And, given your intuition, you probably like to talk about complicated things like philosophy, feelings, and struggles. That is hard to do with a stranger or at a party. Finally, introverts possess traits that can make them good at close relationships; with intimates they can experience social success.

P123

Whatever advice you read or hear, remember that you do not have to accept how the extroverted three-quarters of the population defines social skills -- working the room, always having a good comeback, never allowing "awkward" silences. You have your own skills -- talking seriously, listening well, allowing silences in which deeper thoughts can develop.

Work the room: to interact enthusiastically with the attendees at an event, by moving among them, greeting them, and engaging them in conversation.

主要的矛盾还是外向者更多（至少在西方），他们的行为便成了标准。

P130

You like to be introverted. Sure, go to parties, but they should be small ones where you know people. Otherwise, pick out someone who appears as sensitive and deeply interesting as yourself and take off together as soon as possible. That's the HSP way to party. You are not shy or unlovable. You will definitely meet interesting people and have close relationships -- you just have to pick and choose your situations.

并不要回避所有的社交活动，我们可以选择适合自己的去参加。也可以主动创造条件（比如看到有「同类」可以主动和他们说话）。

Basic Social Advice for HSPs

5. Social Relationships

P126

When you have to chitchat

If you want to talk (which puts you in control and keeps you from being bored), plan ahead to plant the topic you enjoy and can go on and on about.

Having to make a request

(For small ones) If possible, make the requests the moment you realize you need to. Or make them in a bunch, when you are feeling in an outgoing mood.

Public speaking or performing

I overcame my fear of public speaking by teaching -- a good beginning for an HSP.

What if others are watching you?

P129

What if others are watching you? Are they really? Maybe you have created an inner audience that you fear.

Learning any physical skill in a group is almost impossible for me because the overarousal from being watched wrecks my coordination. This time, however, I played a new role. ... The result was that I knew they were watching me, but it was all right. They laughed, but I heard it as loving. Any progress I made was given inordinate praise and recognition. For me, it worked.

Next time you feel watched, try meeting the stares and labeling yourself for them with something you can enjoy.

首先他人并不一定在观察你，就算不能改变他人在观察你的事实，我们也可以尝试改变自己的想法，不要让他人影响自己的表现。

Overcoming Social Discomfort

P130

Avoid "negative self-talk"

Negative self-talk (e.g. "He probably won't like me" or "I'll probably fail as I always do") keeps you aroused and makes it hard to listen to the other person.

尽量不要想一些自己负面的东西。它不一定是真的，也会影响自己的发挥。

接受 rejections

People can reject you for all sorts of reasons having nothing to do with you. If it upsets you, feel that for a moment. Then try to let it go.

Have a plan for overcoming your social discomfort

Decide to take so many specific, gradual steps per day or week no matter how nervous the first steps make you.

做了计划就要尽力去执行。

Rehearse

It is best to rehearse what you'll say with a new person or in a new situation. The more you rehearse, the less nervous you'll be -- which means you'll be more, not less, relaxed and spontaneous.

如果有时间，可以先预想一下即将发生的对话，可以让自己更放松。

Personal questions

When trying to get a conversation started or continue, ask questions that are a little bit personal and that cannot be answered with one or two words. It's okay to pry a little. Most people love to talk about themselves and will like your interest and slight boldness.

不要害怕问题太私人了。大部分我问得出的问题都应该是人们能够接受的，甚至是希望你去问的。

Self-disclosure

Self-disclosure is important if your goal is to feel some connection and not just pass the time. Be sure to ask for the other's opinion, too, of course.

交流的形式之一：我分享一个点，并问你的观点。或者可以先问，等别人回答之后再分享自己的观点。

Sharing flaws

To deepen a conversation or make it more interesting to both of you, sometimes it works to share your own flaws or problems -- but with some cautions.

But there is also something nice in admitting to your human nature if you can convey that you still feel good about yourself. (My favorite line from Captain Picard of Star Trek: The Next Generation is, "I have made some fine mistakes in my life." It is so humble, wise, and self-confident, all at once.) Certainly if the other person has revealed something painful or embarrassing, it will deepen the conversation considerably if you do the same.

展现自己的缺点是可以加深一段对话的，只要注意不要刚认识就不停说自己的缺点。在说出缺点之后也可以说说自己对这个缺点的看法，自己是否已经接受，等等。

其它摘抄

Preface

P39 Instructions to the reader

2. This book involves seeing yourself as having a trait common to many. That is, it labels you. The advantages are that you can feel normal and benefit from the experience and research of others. But any label misses your uniqueness. HSPs are each utterly different, even with their common trait.

标签能简化复杂的世界，但也是有好有坏的。好处是我们能有一些共同话题，能够感受到「同类」的存在。但是它有时会掩盖事物本身的复杂性，让我们忽略了每一个个体的特点。语言本身只能作为现实世界的一种近似，我们只能让余项越来越小，但是永远不能消除余项。

1. The Facts About Being Highly Sensitive

P52 Learning About Our Culture -- What You Don't Realize WILL Hurt You

You and I are learning to see our trait as a neutral thing -- useful in some situations, not in others -- but our culture definitely does not see it, or any trait, as neutral. ... Although a culture's newborns will show a broad range of inherited temperaments, only a narrow band of these, a certain type, will be the ideal.

虽然在每个文明中的新生儿会呈现出不同的特质（可能比例也是差不多的），但每个文明都会偏爱某一些特质。在人的成长过程中，文明内部的各种机制能够使人的性格朝着某些特定的方向发生改变，从而形成一个「文明」的性格。这也很好地说明了环境会对人的性格产生影响。

P54 Psychology's Bias

But psychology is not perfect. It can only reflect the biases of the culture from which it comes. ... Just be careful about accepting labels for yourself. As we move on, you'll understand why each of these mislabels you. In general, they miss the essence of the trait and give it a negative tone. For example, research has found that most people, quite wrongly, associate introversion with poor mental health.

It helps to know that in cultures in which the trait is more valued, the research takes on a different tone. For example, Japanese psychologists seem to expect their sensitive subjects to perform better, and they do.

人们发明「高敏感」等等标签可能就是因为拥有标签的这些人是「不同」的，是「另类」的，从而是不好的。如果这个标签不是一个文明的主流价值，心理学在研究的时候可能就会天然地受社会价值的影响。不同文明在做相同研究的时候也可能会得出不同的结果。这可能只是人类的局限性，并不能怪罪谁或者是心理学这个学科。我们能做的只能是了解不同文明对一件事的理解并尽可能避免自己文明的偏见。

P57

You were born to be among the advisors and thinkers, the spiritual and moral leaders of your society. There is every reason for pride.

4. Reframing Your Childhood and Adolescence

P99

Finally, being sensitive to the discomfort, disapproval, or anger of others probably made you quick to follow every rule as perfectly as possible, afraid to make a mistake.

这说的就是我。比如 UCSD CanyonView 游泳池要求 no lane sharing，我就会非常严格地遵守。之前因为来游的人太多有人 share 泳道，我看到还有点震惊。还有 zc 考冲浪的游泳考试的时候我需要教他踩水，当时对于在同一个泳道里教他我都有点不自在，感觉自己打破了什么规定。

Being so good all the time, however, meant ignoring many of your normal human feelings -- irritation, frustration, selfishness, rage. Since you were so eager to please, others could ignore your needs when, in fact, yours were often greater than theirs. This would only fuel your anger. But such feelings may have been so frightening that you buried them. The fear of their breaking out would become yet another source of "unreasonable" fears and nightmares.

对于自己的合理需求，还是需要主动争取。

P100 The Problem of Sensitive Little Boys

It is fascinating how extensively gender is confused with sensitivity. Men should not be sensitive, women should be.

这也是社会对人们的性别规训的一部分。

P104 It's Never Too Late to Overcome Discouragement

While it is wise to accept what we cannot change about ourselves, it is also good to remember that we are never too old to replace discouragement with bits and pieces of confidence and hope.

虽然不是必须要改变每一个「缺点」，但是对于自己认为是好的变化还是要努力去改变。

P106 Reparenting Your "Gifted" Self

7. Do not hide your abilities.

有的时候我可能会害怕说出一个我知道的东西，或者察觉到了事情的不对劲但是不敢说出来。这其实都是隐藏了自己的能力，是应该尝试改变一下了。每个人都有一些特有的能力，所以每个人都应该把能力展现出来，这样大家才能一起进步。

5. Social Relationships

P115

(Experiment: "shy" and "nonshy" women talking to men, with loud noise in the background or not. The shy women with loud noise talked more compared with shy women without loud noise, and they didn't feel shy.)

Remember this experiment the next time you feel overaroused in a social situation. Your heart may be pounding for any number of reasons having nothing to do with the people you are with. There may be too much noise, or you may be worrying about something else you are only half aware of that has nothing to do with the person you are with. So go ahead, ignore the other causes (if you can), and have a good time.

有的时候我们并不是因为社交而感到 overaroused，可能是在场的其它因素。可以把自己引导到别的原因上，让自己更享受社交。

P124 Don't Feel Bad If You Know What to Do But Don't Always Do It

She (Gretchen Hill) found that the shy people know equally well what was expected of them but said they were not capable of doing it. She hints that shy people lack self-confidence -- the usual inner flaw attributed to us. ... I think that simply telling ourselves to be more confident rarely helps. Stick to the twofold approach of this chapter: work on the overarousal, appreciate your introverted style.

Another reason for not being able to put into practice what you know about social skills is that old patterns from childhood may be taking over and need to be faced. Or some feelings command your attention.

7. Close Relationships

P154 When It is Too Intense

The best protection against falling in love too intensely is being more in the world, not less.

Being in the world 可以修正自己脑子里的想象中的世界。很多时候我们会想太多，但是很多是不符合事实的。在真实世界中，我们可以对自己的想象进行过滤，筛除掉不符合实际的想法。

P159 Finding the Right Other

One excellent tactic for finding other HSPs is to ask your extroverted friends to introduce you to others they now who are like you.

P161 When the Other Is Not As Highly Sensitive

Everyone has to decide for themselves the areas in which it is good enough to be dumb but paired with an expert, and those in which it is not okay at all to be a dummy.

When it comes to your trait, whoever is even a little less sensitive becomes the expert in doing anything that might overarouse the more sensitive one. Or if you are both sensitive, you may specialize in different areas. There are advantages for both parties. There is more calm, and one person feels helpful, the other, helped. Indeed, the less sensitive person may come to feel indispensable and find this all too reassuring.

Meanwhile, the more sensitive one does all the attending to the subtle for both. Some of this may seem less crucial -- to have creative new ideas, know why you are living, deepen communications, appreciate beauty. But if there is a strong bond between the two, it is probably because the less sensitive person truly needs and values what, you, the more sensitive one contributes.

两个人一起生活时，互补的地方可以互相帮助。慢慢地一个人会做的更好，另一个人会更依赖他。

P162 Difference in Optimal Arousal Level

How do you respond to a well-intentioned request that you "just try it" and not "spoil the fun"?

In these situations your friend or partner is in a real blind. He or she wants you to come, and since sometimes in the past it has worked out, pushing you is tempting. And besides missing having you along if he or she goes without you, the other may feel guilty about leaving you alone.

I think the HSP has to take charge in these situations in order not to have anyone else to blame later. After all, you are the one who knows best how you are feeling and what you can enjoy. If you are hesitating to do something out of fear of overstimulation -- not out of your state of fatigue -- you have to weigh that against the fun you might have (And add a little weight in favor of going if you have an extra fear of the unfamiliar left over from childhood.) If your action turns out to have been a mistake, you are the one who made it. At least you tried. If you know you are overstimulated and need to stay home, do it gracefully and minimize the regrets you express. Urge others to have fun without you.

如果一个活动可能给自己带来快乐，就可以去尝试一下。就算最后发现并没有什么快乐，我们也可以提前离开。需要注意的是不要让其他人对我产生愧疚感，可能需要解释一下自己的性格，并告诉他们不是他们的原因。

我的感受

关于 minority

根据这本书，HSP 属于一种 minority，人类中有 15% 到 20% 是 HSP。一个人作为 minority 时能感受到和大多数人的不同。如果这个人又不希望和大多数人不同，这可能就会造成心理上的负担。并且由于大多数人并不是属于 minority，他们可能不能理解我们的思维或者行为。

关于成长

之前如果问我怎么样算是一个人长大了，我可能会说当一个人不想长大的时候，那就可以算是长大了。现在我又有了新的理解。当一个人能意识到原生家庭的一些局限，并希望打破原生家庭带给自己的负面影响的时候，也可以算是长大了。

写于 2022-05-13。

DEH LA trip

7 月 3 号和 znz 去 LA 看了音乐剧 Dear Evan Hansen，当天晚上我们也聊了很多关于性格的话题。在那次聊天之后，我对很多事情都有了新的看法。

对我影响最深的可能就是「在别人身上做实验」这个看问题的角度。她提到有一个对她性格影响很大的人，影响的方式是她在这个人身上做了一些「实验」，以了解人与人的边界在哪里。她还说之前她也会在意别人的想法，但是现在会尝试不去在意。当我现在想做一件事但无法下定决心的时候，我就有一个绝佳的理由：这是一个实验，我可以通过观察对方的反应学到更多和人交流的模式。在这一个星期的尝试中，我的实验结果都是正面的，我的行为并没有「冒犯」别人或者让别人不高兴。在这个阶段，我的主要目标还是建立信心，让我知道其实很多事情我是可以去做的。当然，随着实验的进一步进行，可能真的会出现我的行为越过了对方界限的情况。这时候我就真的能够学到一些东西。

其实我自己也一直是一个人类行为的观察者，但是我从来没有成为「实验」的主导者。如果不主导「实验」，我就只能很被动，只能等待机会的到来，而没有办法自己创造机会。虽然确实可以等到好的机会，但是这样的效率是很低的。我以后可以尝试多去主导「实验」。

另一个事情是关于「敏感」、「社恐」等等标签的。我其实有点惊讶 znz 不觉得我是「社恐」。尽管我之前（#Preface）也尝试打破标签对我的束缚，但是那些话可能只是一些理论上的「恒真式」。这次可以说我更进一步地打破了标签的束缚。其实有时候这些标签都是自己给自己贴上的，别人可能不会给你这样一个标签。我们这么做可能是想给自己一个理由不去触碰那些可能伤害到自己的事物，从而保护自己。如果说保护自己带来的好处抵不上束缚自己带来的坏处，我还是觉得应该打破这个束缚。因为别人并不认为你拥有这个标签，所以打破束缚其实只需要克服自己一个人。

我们还谈到了参加活动时做选择的话题。多人活动的时候总会出现需要做选择的情景。比如吃什么，去哪里，玩什么游戏等等。znz 说她需要向冬庭学习，她能很清晰地表达自己的想法。并且如果否定了别人的一个想法，她会给出自己的一个 alternative。我认为这也是我应该学习的东西。在我的实践中，「拒绝」别人的一个提议并不会怎么样，因为别人可能也不确定应该做什么。只要能给出自己的建议就可以。

我现在觉得和人交流可能比看书更重要。当然找到能和我谈心的人并找到机会进行交流都不是一件容易的事。但是看书更多的是单一方向的交流，而和人说话则是思想的碰撞，它的互动性更强。就算看书的时候可以写下自己的想法，你也无法得知作者对你的想法的看法。

写于 2022-07-10。